To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator
door - pet nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note,
placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not
stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find
that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very
sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the
couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up
in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent
possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is
nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If
by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut,
it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the
knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.
I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been
using t he bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is
not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog
or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message
on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. That's why they call it "fur" niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children!!
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